Balls Deep

Something is seriously wrong with me.  Maybe over the last few years, owning my own MMA gym, training those who are willing to learn how to throw a heavy hit, and take one if necessary, I’ve taken too many gloves to the head.  What are the chances the last concussion I sustained gave me brain damage?  If the direction of my thoughts, and the way my body is reacting to my little brother straddling my lap, and clinging to me, is any indication . . . high. Really fucking high. I’m not sure how to politely disengage.  If he’s anything...

After Sebastian shows me his—our bedroom since it’s stupid of him to sleep on the sofa in his own home, he showers, while I change the bedsheets, dresses while I make room for myself in the closet, and pushes me out of the front door while his hair is still damp.  We stop by the recreational center so I can get my car, then I lead the way to the dorms.  The whole building is a hub of activity.  Last minute arrivals are hustling to move in before school starts on Wednesday. People are introducing themselves to the students they’ll...

It’s startling how quickly Nicolo settles in. Makes himself at home.  He unpacks with a single minded determination so rarely seen when he was a child. I don’t have the heart to tell him not to. That we may not be here long enough for him to truly settle in.  Within a couple of hours a new pillow has been added to the bed, along with a heating blanket and stuffed frog that has seen better days. His clothing is sorted—some hanging in the closet with mine, other’s stuffed in drawers he rearranged to make room for himself.  The bathroom...

It’s a stupid fucking question. Are you okay? As soon as I ask, I know the answer. The only surprising part is Sebastian’s honesty. He would have lied before, told me he was fine, to worry about myself, before working hard to distract me. I would have let him because it was easier to play pretend than to acknowledge our reality.  Things are different now. Sebastian is no longer that same teenager, trying hard to live up to our father’s expectations, while at the same time never losing himself to them, and protecting me to the best of his ability. ...

By silent, but seemingly mutual agreement, we reseal the boxes before shoving them into the utility closet. One day, maybe I will go through them, thoroughly examine my past, but not today. Not after working so hard to put it behind me. Not while Nicolo is attempting to do the same in the only way he can.  Instead, while my baby brother showers, I do what I should have done hours ago. As soon as Nicolo recognized me at the recreational center. Leaning against the kitchen counter, I unlock my phone, and navigate to a number I rarely use. Calling...

From brown cardboard boxes to black fabric duffle bags.  If I had known Sebastian was going to call the Marshall Service I wouldn’t have bothered unpacking. If Sebastian had known he was going to call the Marshall’s today, or even this week, he would have told me not to bother because we’d have hours to decide what we want to take with us, and what we’re okay receiving at a later date.  After picking through our belongings, we fit what we can into his duffle bags, and I quietly accept leaving the rest behind. The one thing we can’t take,...

It takes Simon, and his partner, less than fifteen minutes to do a sweep of the house, grab our bags, load them up, and usher us out of the front door. All the while Nicolo clings to my hand and presses against my side, shaking like a leaf in a windstorm.  His eyes are wide, face pale, and skin clammy when we climb into the SUV.  I pull the seat belt across his lap as Simon backs out of my driveway under the cover of darkness. Nicolo’s fear, the cloud of uncertainty that makes it hard to think, hard to...

Breakfast comes in the form of to-go boxes from some off the wall diner in a small town we’re passing through just after nine in the morning.  The coffee is weak, and far colder than I typically enjoy, with zero cream or sugar. I would have much preferred water or juice but I drink it anyway.  The bacon is a little overcooked but the pancakes are to die for. They melt on my tongue, a sweet mix of butter and syrup, as I hold the box steady with one hand, and feed my face with the other.  I’m not the...

While in protective custody the rules are simple but numerous. Some of them are more important to follow than others, like staying inside, and avoiding contact with the outside world, but Simon stresses all of them equally while Burke leans against the wall and nods along.  Nicolo’s fingers are laced with mine as he listens with wide eyes, absorbing each rule with all the focus of a college student with aspirations to land on the Dean’s List. If there is a test later, he wants to pass.  Unfortunately, he’ll probably forget more than one, more than once. It’s a lot...

For a moment, I’m warm and safe, wrapped in Sebastian’s arms. In the next, I’m wide awake, cold and alone in an unfamiliar room. The house is dark and silent.  My heart slams against my rib cage, and I kick the blanket off.  Where is Sebastian? What if he left me in the middle of the night?  He promised. He pinky promised we’d stay together but what if . . . I can’t catch my breath as I roll and fall out of bed, hitting the floor with a painful thump. The blankets tangle around my legs, and I can’t...

Of all the questionable shit I’ve done, kissing my little brother like my life depends on it, while he withers on top of me, somehow ranks higher than testifying against my own father in open court.  In my defense, Nicolo kissed me first, and if the hard length pressing against mine through our basketball shorts is any indication, he’s willing to do a lot more than kiss. How much more is the only real question.  “Sebastian.” Nicolo’s fingers dig into my chest as he pulls his mouth away from mine and pants against my cheek. His breath is hot, and...

There are rules, Sebastian said this morning before we left our temporary bedroom. Because what we’re doing with one another is illegal, Simon and Burke can’t know. They can’t even suspect that Sebastian kisses me like I’m his reason for living. Not if we want to be placed together. Or at all, for that matter.  That means, when we’re not in the bedroom we share, safe behind the locked door we have to act like brothers. Nothing more. Nothing less.  When we’re alone, if we’re doing things brothers should never do together, we can’t be loud. One moan at the...